Save Marriage Advice

The prevalence of broken marriages in our society is alarming to those who look upon their marital vows as important and holy. Many still believe in the sanctity of marriage and the importance of family togetherness. Although divorce is increasing, couples looking for save marriage advice have also gone up.

Family is considered the smallest but the most important unit in the society. Why? Family experts believe that the family is an important to link between individuals to larger society. Inside the family every individual first learn personality development and character, as well as other aspects of life like discipline, culture, moral values and religious beliefs is also being taught first within the family. Therefore, the family can’t be left broken or disintegrated.

Moreover a broken family brings too much pain and difficulty not just for the couple but most importantly to children. If a couples’ marriage is on the edge of falling apart, couple must find solutions to save their marriage.

Dr. John and Julie Gottman, America’s love lab experts shared in their book “10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage,”four important things every couple must check to prevent their marriage to break. Dr. John and Julie Gottman described them as the Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

Here are the following horsemen according to Dr. John and Julie Gottman:

  1. CRITICISM- This is a very negative feeling which tends to attack the personality or character of your partner. Attacking each other’s shortcomings to create change is not helpful. Instead, your partner will react with
  2. DEFENSIVENESS- Of course if your character is assassinated by anybody, including your spouse your first reaction is to defend yourself and launched a counter attack to prove you are right or innocent. Instead of focusing on the issue, you priority is to protect your honor and pride. For instance if you criticize your mate for always forgetting to put towel on the bathroom rack whenever she washes them and when you use the bathroom there’s nothing in there. And you criticize her for her inability to remember small information like that, she will get offended. She will then launch her defensive words and say, “That’s not the only thing I do around the house, just get the towel if you need it. You are not disabled are you? Dr. Gottman said, when individuals defend themselves from criticisms they usually do it with by complaining and whining.
  3. CONTEMPT-This is another form of behavior wherein Dr. Gottman described as a form of sarcasm and mockery displayed against the spouse. Instead of listening attentively a spouse display unaccepted gestures or pronounce highly negative words like pouting or making faces or calling the spouse with a name that’s highly insulting to his or her personality.
  4. STONEWALLING-According to the lab love experts this happens when a couple refuse or stops communication when conflict arises. When he or her spouse is trying to engage in a conversation the spouse seems to be talking to no one or a ghost. This kind of attitude leads the spouse to become distant to each other.

These behaviors are oftentimes observed from every couple. Observe your conversations with your husband or wife, do you notice having any of these horsemen in your marriage? If that’s the case you need to do something to eliminate them and save yourselves from the pain and your marriage from ending.

It is best that you replace these negative communication skills into positive by practicing to:

  1. Stop criticizing your mate, if you he is doing or saying something that is not acceptable to you, say it in a positive way. Think first before uttering the words and practice constructive criticism to avoid hurting your mates feeling.
  2. Accepting your fault honestly without whining or complaining. Instead of finding faults from your spouse ask him for any suggestion that will help improve the situation. This will create a positive atmosphere in the conversation because you imply your need for his advice or help.
  3. Instead of being sarcastic or stating demeaning words to your spouse, smile and be gentle. Apologize for your mistakes and promise to try your best it won’t happen again. A sincere apology and a warm smile melts softens a heart.
  4. Step closer towards your mate and listen to him with utmost love and understanding. Always remember that disagreements happen all the time in marriage because there is no such thing as perfect marriage. Perceive conflict as a driving force that will make your relationship stronger and happier.

“Love means to commit oneself without guarantee, to give oneself completely in the hope that our love will produce love in the loved person. Love is an act of faith, and whoever is of little faith is also of little love.” –Erich Fromm

One of the most important things a couple should understand is that when both of you has faith and trust each other, you can weather all storms and there’s no need to worry and wonder if you will grow old together. Love, understand, respect and trust each other…that will bring you to the peak of your marriage.